Love Does Not Envy
There are days as a mom I mourn the loss of my freedom.
The freedom to set an alarm and actually get up to it. Or, even better, snooze it for half an hour.
The freedom to make a quick trip to the grocery store without having to either load up a toddler and a baby. Or wait until my husband is home for lunch so that he can watch the kids while I spend his money.
The freedom to take a weekend trip without needing to pump throughout the a day. Or take a road trip and make an eight-hour trip a seven-hour trip.
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore my kids. And I cannot imagine life without them. But still, I miss some of those simple freedoms.
About two months ago, my husband got to enjoy one of those simple freedoms. Jordan went to a friend's wedding in Minneapolis. And he got to partake in the bachelor party the night before. He didn't have kids to wake him up in the middle of the night or at 7:20 when the green light comes on in Ezekiel's room. Granted, he did many ministry-related activities while he was there; but the truth is, I was mad.
There was this part of me that was still adjusting to life with a new baby. The part that was re-learning what it means to have someone completely dependent upon you. The part that was exhausted and selfish and wanting her own weekend away.
But honestly, I didn't put the label "jealous" on until this past week. Jordan was at an evening church meeting, Ezekiel was in bed, and I was playing with Micaiah in the early evening hours before she hunkered down for the night. I saw a couple walk by, enjoying the glorious coolness of the summer evening. And I thought to myself, "That must be nice."
As soon as the thought came, I chided myself. Reminded myself that all too soon, we'll be empty nesters and can take evening strolls until the soles of our feet are sore. And then I'll be missing, wanting back, the days when I snuggled with my little boy reading books before bedtime and soaking up the beauty of my baby girl's fresh smile.
-- I am not truly loving them. As I wish away the present, as I covet what is to come, I am not showing them true love. And as I envy my husband's apparent freedom to take a well-deserved weekend trip, I am not truly loving him either.
This lesson in living in the everyday ordinary of what's now is continually being taught to my selfish heart. So yet again, here's to living in and loving -- truly loving -- what's now.
Anticipating the future with joy but not coveting what it holds.
Enjoying each day, each moment. Recognizing that there's only one today.
Loving my husband and my children as He loves me: selflessly, sacrificially.
The freedom to set an alarm and actually get up to it. Or, even better, snooze it for half an hour.
The freedom to make a quick trip to the grocery store without having to either load up a toddler and a baby. Or wait until my husband is home for lunch so that he can watch the kids while I spend his money.
The freedom to take a weekend trip without needing to pump throughout the a day. Or take a road trip and make an eight-hour trip a seven-hour trip.
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore my kids. And I cannot imagine life without them. But still, I miss some of those simple freedoms.
About two months ago, my husband got to enjoy one of those simple freedoms. Jordan went to a friend's wedding in Minneapolis. And he got to partake in the bachelor party the night before. He didn't have kids to wake him up in the middle of the night or at 7:20 when the green light comes on in Ezekiel's room. Granted, he did many ministry-related activities while he was there; but the truth is, I was mad.
There was this part of me that was still adjusting to life with a new baby. The part that was re-learning what it means to have someone completely dependent upon you. The part that was exhausted and selfish and wanting her own weekend away.
I was mad. But more so, I was jealous.
But honestly, I didn't put the label "jealous" on until this past week. Jordan was at an evening church meeting, Ezekiel was in bed, and I was playing with Micaiah in the early evening hours before she hunkered down for the night. I saw a couple walk by, enjoying the glorious coolness of the summer evening. And I thought to myself, "That must be nice."
It must be nice to go on a walk with your husband. And not have to find someone to watch the kids.
As soon as the thought came, I chided myself. Reminded myself that all too soon, we'll be empty nesters and can take evening strolls until the soles of our feet are sore. And then I'll be missing, wanting back, the days when I snuggled with my little boy reading books before bedtime and soaking up the beauty of my baby girl's fresh smile.
And these simple words were whispered to my heart: "Love does not envy."In that moment, I realized that the times that I am envying my children's future --
when Micaiah is sleeping as much as her older brother;
when Zeke and Micaiah chase each other around the house;
when Micaiah is simply not as dependent upon me
This lesson in living in the everyday ordinary of what's now is continually being taught to my selfish heart. So yet again, here's to living in and loving -- truly loving -- what's now.
Anticipating the future with joy but not coveting what it holds.
Enjoying each day, each moment. Recognizing that there's only one today.
Loving my husband and my children as He loves me: selflessly, sacrificially.
"Love is patient, love is kind and not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Comments
Post a Comment